Those of us who harbor a serious passion for high-quality pink wine applaud the category's astounding success in recent years. We love that folks are out there wearing T-shirts and sporting iPhone cases that declare their love for rosé. It's not just a wine... It's a lifestyle!
However, one trend is starting to grate on our nerves: The infantilization of you-know-what.
Now it's rosé juice pouches à la Capri Sun.
People. A juice pouch with a straw is not a vehicle for tasting and contemplation. It is a vehicle for inebriation. And two of those words don't belong in the same sentence.
Straws move liquid quickly and efficiently down the throat, circumventing the palate. Also: The joy of a juice pouch is the act of squashing it. And one cannot squash a juice pouch without consuming its contents.
Please do not purchase rosé in a pouch, no matter how appealing it might look.
If you insist upon drinking your rosé from a straw, we recommend making a spritzer by blending it with sparkling water and lots of ice in a large wine glass. Only then should a straw be introduced (and only when the wine has already been open for a day and is not getting any fresher but you can't bear to pour it down the drain because it was so delicious yesterday).
A child, upon seeing a beverage pouch, will grab it in delight, punch it with a straw, and begin sucking down its contents with gusto. In our experience, a child will not approach a wine glass with the same lack of reserve. Please keep this in mind as you are making your beverage-purchasing (and life) decisions.
Disclaimer: The author of this post may have, on a previous occasion, in a moment of weakness, eaten a limited-edition rosé gumdrop from Portland's Quin Candy and declared it to possibly be the most delicious thing she has ever consumed.